Ersatz Wiener Schnitzel Recipe

Ersatz Wiener Schnitzel Recipe

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  1. Have you ever been to a farm or petting zoo that had baby cows? Remember how cute they were, how friendly? Remember the soft pleading sounds they made while begging for a few grains of feed, or how they brushed against your legs affectionately like a big cat with hooves?

    Then the next day you went into the supermarket to buy the makings of that night’s dinner—which happened to be Wiener schnitzel —and cried as you tried to decide with cut of veal to buy.

    Well, I’m here to save you from ever having to go through that again because, as everyone knows, big adult cows are ugly, stupid things so who cares if we hack them into roasts and steaks and gorge ourselves on them; certainly not me.

    I was inspired to make what I call schnitzoid beef because a German woman I used to know made me Wiener schnitzel once and got me hooked—only I could not bring myself to buy the veal. Every time I tried to, I saw big, brown, expressive imaginary eyes looking back up at me from the meal cooler and heard a little voice whispering, How could you pet me one day and eat me the next? I had no good answer for that voice, so I concocted this recipe.

    For those of you who, like me, get a perverse kick out of annoying animal rights activists by chowing down on a big juicy cheeseburger right in front of their protest line, rest assure that while this recipe will save you from having to cook and eat baby cows, it will still piss off every member of PETA.


    For this, you will need:

    • 1 lb. lean beef (sirloin or a lean roast works well); slice wide pieces ½ inch thick
    • 1 egg
    • Olive oil

    A. Coating:

    • 1/3 cup flour
    • 2 Tbs. coriander
    • 1 Tbs. onion powder
    • 1 Tbs. salt
    • 1 Tbs. ground pepper

    B. Breading

    • ½ cup grated parmesan cheese
    • ½ cup dry breadcrumbs


    The procedure:

    1. Carefully cut away all tendons, gristle and fat from the beef; use a mallet to pound each slice to ¼-inch thickness or less.
    2. Place the Coating (A) ingredients in a large Ziploc bag, mix them thoroughly; add the beef slices and shake until coated. Lay the beef slices onto a wire rack. Place the rack over a cookie sheet and put it inside the fridge for 30 minutes at least.
    3. (While the meat is chilling…) Beat the egg in a bowl; set aside.
    4. Mix the Breading (B) ingredients in another, larger bowl.
    5. Preheat oven to 175 degrees (approximately).
    6. Preheat a large skillet over medium high heat. Add 2 Tbs. olive oil (you will need to add more oil for every piece of beef you fry).
    7. One piece at a time, dip the beef in the egg, coating it thoroughly; allow excess to run off, then press the beef into the Breading mixture, coating both sides, and lay it in the skillet. Brown for 15 seconds to a minute on each side, depending on how well you want it cooked.
    8. Drain on paper towels, then place the beef on a plate and keep it warm in the oven. Repeat the process for every piece of beef.

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