How do gay people honestly think they can be moral, upstanding role models for children?
A. It’s because gay people just love celebrities, and we’ve learned so much from them about how to be good parents—and how not to be. For example, Britney generously taught us the importance of strapping our infants into car seats and teaching them to wear underwear. And Courtney, well, without her, we wouldn’t have known that shooting heroin during pregnancy can be so damaging. Now that we do, we gays regularly avoid that temptation. We don’t dangle our children over balconies either, and we don’t carry knives. We remember watching O.J. Simpson’s white van all those years ago, and we learned our anger management lessons. And thank God for Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggert and all the other evangelists. A steady media diet of their unravelings really helped us with our own morality issues. We’re good to go now. Q. Do lesbians really use a turkey baster? A. Not anymore. The turkey baster was a primitive tool of the mid-to-late twentieth century when no reputable physician would help lesbians. W
